


One Man Band

by gala_apples



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Child Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, First Kiss, M/M, Marijuana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-07
Updated: 2012-09-07
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes Spencer a while to figure it out, but he doesn't let it change how he behaves when he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Man Band

**Author's Note:**

> While I've done my best to research this and write it respectfully, bottom line is I don't have MPD/DID, and thus cannot write a 100% accurate story. That being said, I do recommend First Person Plural by Cameron West if you're interested in this topic, as it was by far the best case study I've read on the subject.

Spencer loves Ryan because he’s passionate and creative and unashamedly judgmental about everything. Spencer loves Brendon because he’s affectionate and enthusiastic about the smallest of events. Spencer loves Jon because he’s chill and easy to please. He doesn’t really care that he loves three different people, or even that they’re all guys. It’s the twenty first century, and Spencer is not the type to worry about outdated morals. He just thinks it would be easier if they weren’t all in the same body.

Spencer can’t say when it all started. They did enough play acting as kids that it’s impossible to know if Ryan was ever really someone else. Thanks to Ryan’s first grade decision that he wanted to be an actor when he grew up they spent every minute outside of school playing out the scripts that Ryan would write, drawing when he didn’t know how to spell the right word. Spencer wanted to be a fire fighter but Ryan was his best friend, and he was older, and it just never really occurred to him to not do what Ryan wanted.

He does know the first time he noticed. It’s just after Spencer’s fifteenth birthday when Ryan comes into Spencer’s grama’s garage dressed in a new role. He’s not quite sure what to say to the change in routine. Lately Ryan’s words have become lyrics instead of scripts they have to perfect then act out for Crystal and Jackie. As far as costumes go it’s pleasantly simple. There’s not an apron or a bedsheet toga or a suit vest and dress pants in sight; just baggier jeans than normal and a backwards cap.

Nor does Ryan’s voice sounding different when he says hey throw Spencer off. Ryan always claimed that Spencer had a better falsetto for female voices, but they’ve both got a lot of practice altering the way they speak. He just says hey back and waits for Ryan to explain the role. If he will, Ryan talking about what he’s doing is debatable. Sometimes he goes for full immersion, and to explain the role would break the fourth wall. He found the technique online when he was nine, printed off the five pages and read them all out loud to Spencer at recess instead of climbing the jungle gym. That week Ryan eat breathed and lived as a businessman; he carried a briefcase to school instead of a backpack. Compared to the annoying jerk Ryan was that week, Spencer doesn’t really care if his best friend decides to be a rapper this week. It’s not like the tabs Spencer got online sound right for this song anyway, he could use a break from attempting to make it sound better. 

But then he does something weird. Ryan opens his makeshift suitcase guitar case with a bit of a scowl, that much is normal. He hates it, always worried that it’s going to mess up his guitar, but Spencer knows that Ryan’s mom took all the money from their savings when she left, and Ryan won’t even bother asking his dad for a real case. What’s strange is that he pulls out a bass. Ryan doesn’t know how to play bass, he’s their singer and guitarist. When Spencer asks when Ryan started playing that Ryan looks at him like he’s the crazy one and says his name is Brent, idiot, and he’s always played bass.

It’s a stupid role, if you ask Spencer. Not nearly different enough to be interesting. But then, he guesses, there are a ton of teen movies in the theatres all the time. If Ryan continues to write about teenage musicians he can probably get a script sold, eventually. It’ll give them money to buy drumsticks, or guitar straps.

For the next few weeks Ryan’s stays pretty in character, over half the afternoons they hang out he’s dressed as his slacker bassist character. It’s one of those days that Spencer puts his hand on Ryan’s back to get his attention. Ryan’s response is to turn around and punch Spencer hard enough that he falls to the cracked cement.

“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t ever fucking touch me.”

Spencer doesn’t risk standing up, not when he’s still feeling sick from the fist to the gut. Still, he does try to talk to him from the floor. “Ryan what the hell is wrong with you?”

“My name is Brent and if you touch me again I’m not going to stay in this fucking band.”

Ryan’s heaving with simulated anger, eyes full of what looks like genuine fear and disgust. None of it makes Spencer want to get up and go back to his drums. Spencer doesn’t get why Ryan’s taking the role so far. Maybe it’s in character, but it’s still a jerk move. He does let the immersion teach him a lesson though. From then on he doesn’t touch Ryan when Ryan’s wearing a baseball cap.

Aside from the length of time Ryan hangs onto the character without letting Spencer see the script -which Spencer’s not exactly _surprised_ about, Ryan’s got a perfectionist streak a mile long, he’s used to it even if it’s annoying- things are pretty cool. Mr Ross has always been kind of an asshole, but without Mrs Ross around it’s worse. It means Ryan spends a lot of his time at Spencer’s, or both of them spend a lot of time at Spencer’s grama’s. In a way it’s almost good. With Ryan and him going to different high schools, spending all evening five or more days a week together makes Spencer feel better about the voice in the back of head telling him Ryan will ditch him for being a loser. It’s easier to tell it to fuck off when Ryan always seems reluctant to go home, and texts him half the night.

**i got kicked out**

Spencer stares at the text for a good minute before sending back **what?**

**can i stay over, just for tonight before i find a place to live?**

He rolls his eyes and considers calling Ryan just to tell him he’s an idiot. In the end he sticks with texting. It’s easier to keep quiet when he’s just fiddling with his thumbs. It’s not like he parents will be upset with Ryan needing to stay the night, it’s just easier to explain why Ryan’s on the couch in the morning than try to ask permission now. **of course do you need me to come pick you up?**

Technically he’s not supposed to drive at night without an adult passenger. More importantly, they’ll be furious if they find out he took the car without asking. But he’s willing to get up to his neck in shit, if that’s what Ryan needs.

**no im almost there.**

True to his word Ryan shows up a few minutes later, letting himself in through the sliding glass door. Spencer sees the fear and upset all over his face and moves in immediately for a hug. Ryan’s not normally a touchy feely person, and they’re both teenagers and hugs aren’t cool, but Spencer feels better for giving it, and Ryan curls into it. It’s not until they break away what seems like hours later- Ryan still trying to lean in as Spencer takes a step back- that he notices. Ryan’s wearing a pastel hoodie and glasses. As far as Spencer knew, Ryan had perfect eyesight.

“Your dad kicked you out? For good?” It’s not that Spencer doesn’t think Mr Ross would demand Ryan leave, for ‘being a smart ass’ or something stupid like that. It’s just Mr Ross probably won’t remember doing it. Spencer can’t see this lasting very long.

“Yeah.” Ryan shrugs. “Well, I mean it was both of my parents but yeah.” Spencer’s eyes narrow. Ryan’s mom hasn’t talked to them since the day she left. Which _fucking shit_ is when Ryan started being all weird and acting as Brent sometimes. Maybe she called and fucked with Ryan’s head and now he’s pretending to be someone else? Spencer doesn’t really get what’s going on with Ryan, but he’s almost positive if he called him Ryan he would be corrected. It’s fucking weird and as soon as he gets to school tomorrow he’s going to skip classes and Google people pretending to be other people when they’re stressed. If he can figure out what this is, then he can figure out how he can help him. He sort of has to figure it out, it’s not like Ryan knows anyone else that will care enough to bother.

Two weeks later Spencer’s figured it out, and is trying to not let it change the way he acts around Ryan. It’s not like Ryan can just snap out of it, the internet has made that clear. Treatment is supposed to be psychotherapy and antidepressants, the Rosses can afford neither, and Mr Ross probably wouldn’t try even if Spencer could convince Ryan he needed it. He’s tried twice to webcam record Brent and show it to Ryan, each time Brent’s snapped back into place and told him to fuck off. Brendon would probably be nicer about it, but Brendon doesn’t come out as often. So Spencer is proactively doing nothing, just treating Ryan the same, keeping a careful distance from Brent and giving Brendon the affection he needs.

Of the two of them, Brendon’s easier to figure out. Brendon comes when Mr Ross is plastered and out of the house, or when he’s in the hospital from drinking too much. He acts as relief when Ryan is sick to the point of nausea over worrying about if his dad is going to drink himself to death. Brendon just expects to be alone in a house, that made clear by the conversation they had the day after Spencer spent three hours in the school library trying to not freak out about Ryan’s somehow unnoticed slip into insanity. Brendon had claimed to have found a place, just a room in someone’s house, but the rent was crazy cheap and he was allowed to use the kitchen and bathroom so it was fine. Spencer had been slightly horrified but not entirely surprised to figure out that it was Ryan’s room, but without Ryan’s posters on the wall.

Things are fine for a long time. Ryan doesn’t get better, but he doesn’t get worse. Spencer spends half his time reading articles and published case studies trying to figure out how to fix Ryan, spends the other half telling himself he’s full of crap. He can’t fix Ryan because he doesn’t have a eight year degree in psychology, he can’t fix him because it’s not like he can get Prozac on the streets, he can’t fix him because he doesn’t know shit all about hypnosis. Most importantly, he can’t fix Ryan because this is Ryan’s way of fixing himself. Ryan can’t deal with the shit in his house, so he has people to help him deal, and only one of them is Spencer. It’s not Spencer’s choice to take that away from him, and even if he could he doesn’t have the ability.

Jon doesn’t show up until Mr Ross dies. Considering how all of Ryan’s trauma is because of him, Spencer’s pretty much expecting Brent or Brendon to have a meltdown. Instead Ryan shows up to the funeral in flip flops and Spencer immediately knows it’s another alter. It’s not really unexpected.

For a while Spencer never knows who he’s going to be talking to, and isn’t surprised if halfway through a conversation he gets dazed for a bit and blinks a few times and then there’s a different person in front of him. Brent’s happy the sonofabitch died, and hates when Spencer tries to calm him down. Brendon is perfectly normal, he didn’t even know Mr Ross. He doesn’t come out much at Spencer’s or in the garage, mostly just in Ryan’s empty house. Ryan throws himself further into lyrics and chords, writing song after song about wasted relationships. Jon seems to be the one that actually knows the most about the funeral, and Ryan’s childhood. Jon smokes pot, says he started to make his bruises hurt less after his dad would hit him, and then when he left home to go on tour he just continued, because everyone else did the same. Spencer smokes with him sometimes, but not a lot. If the alter snaps away and Ryan comes he’s always pissed that Spencer’s fucked up. He considers intoxication a betrayal, and Spencer can’t really blame him.

Brendon’s the first to kiss him. Spencer pretty much hates Mr Ross between what he remembers from childhood with Ryan, learns from Jon, and can infer from Brent’s behaviour and the case studies. The only good thing he can say about him is that he paid his mortgage, the house is Ryan’s. They’re in Brendon’s room and he says something Spencer only half catches about sometimes being happy about being alone because of the privacy. Before Spencer has the chance to say anything Brendon leans in and puts his lips on his. Spencer is startled into not responding, but when Brendon pulls away, looking hurt and possibly moments away from switching Spencer moves into Brendon’s space to return the gesture.

Jon is second, a few weeks later. Their lips and tongue are sticky and sweet from the smoke. They’re talking about sex, because Brent won’t or can’t, because Brendon doesn’t know anything, because Ryan is fairly prudish for a teenage boy. Jon says in his slightly lisping voice that he’s not normally interested in guys, but Spencer’s been pretty awesome. When he pulls Spencer to him to make out, his fingers leave black smudges from a poorly tipped out cashed bowl. 

Ryan is months later. It’s at a red light on the drive home from a concert. Spencer thinks for a moment it has to be Jon or Brendon, especially because Ryan’s been just Ryan the entire day, the entire length of the three openers and main act. But when the driver behind him honks when the light turns green and Ryan doesn’t immediately accelerate, his hands clench to the point of white knuckles around the steering wheel, and his pale face is flushed. Spencer knows it’s Ryan without trying names, or trying to make him talk to hear their differences in speech. Only Ryan would be embarrassed. At the next turn lane without a break in traffic for miles, Spencer uses the time to make sure Ryan knows he doesn’t have to be embarrassed ever again.

It’s not all perfect, of course. Brent still hates anyone who would think to touch him. Spencer sort of fears what’s going to happen if Brent ever comes in when he and Brendon are fooling around. It’ll probably be something terrible, like a broken jaw or cracked rib. But he’s willing to take that chance, for the three of them. He loves them, and knows they each love him back in their own way. In the only way they have.


End file.
